I’ve been feeling a strong tug to write, though I’ve been in the final hours of this trimester. With 2 tests yet to go, I bet that at this point, I know what I know, and all this crunching of info won’t help a whole lot. In fact, I’ve adopted a new flow the past couple day, which is to allow my curiosity to lead what I spend the most time on. It’s been incredibly beneficial for my soul.
This trimester has been my 5th at Northwestern. It’s been a relief after such heavy loads. There were many victories. First, I went to lecture every day–EVERY.DAY.–up until midterms. That was no small victory, either! Second, I found myself picking up pieces in a leadership role at school and realizing that it would be okay to let go of another. I learned that though I love motivating others, trying to get people to jump on the international-chiropractic-train was about as draining as the most efficient…well….drain. More than anything, I don’t want to be a quitter, however, quitting and strategically letting go are two very different things.
Third, I’ve learned that I hate school. I can finally accept this. The struggle is that I don’t believe school is as it should be. Can I change it? Should I change it? Can I change me to fit into this mold?…I doubt it. I’m in straight up survival mode. Because I hate school. What is life anymore??!
Fourth, I’ve learned money is a b*tch and it’s hard to hold on to.
Fifth, I’m learning to love those who can’t (or won’t) reciprocate. Long stories which are too precious to share publicly accompany this lesson. But I will say that, oddly enough, I’m also learning to back the h*ll off when I recognize the unsustainable nature of those relationships. Deep inside me, I’m also being awakened to how painful it must be for Jesus to hear the words ‘no’ come from our mouths. How painful it must be for Jesus to be neglected by our time, resources, and energy.
I’ve started going to church again. It felt absolutely right. Right timing. Right place. Right people. I’m all in. I’m a little bit wiser this time around, being more careful about which ministry opportunities I’ll be planting myself. Seeking mentors like a farmer digging potatoes at sunset! It’s a place that I would NOT be afraid inviting my friends/acquaintances to come with. It’s a place where the worship is deep and sweet. Prayers are abundant. Like rah-heeealy abundant. The basic Sunday sermons are intelligent and the pastor is not afraid to address social issues and politics. We are in an interesting time, here in the U.S. It’s best not to ignore these things from the pulpit.
Had a visit from a friend this weekend. I love for my worlds to collide. My past and my present. It keeps me grounded and reminds me that relationships don’t have to die with distance, as long as there is steady grace and intentionality.
Been terribly ill with airway issues. I’m suspicious of some sort of bronchitis. Trouble is, this has been on and off every few months for about 3 years now. I’ve waited it out. I’ve tried conservative modalities. It’s time to see a specialist. The pulmonologist will see me next Friday (unless we pull together and pray for a cancellation this week). ;)
Take care, friends.
True to nature, I invite you into the song playing over my speakers:
Lost my watch, watch and chain
But time’s not lost
This time we walk together beside the slow black river
Water-walking over mud
You whisper something
Something good in my ear
So I stop so I can hear:
“Darling, I’m the one to blame
I threw your watch and chain
To where I don’t know
Inside the tall grass meadow
You’ll forget, forget in time
Your hand in mine forever
Beside the slow black river”
Lost my watch, watch and chain, to her today
But time it has no meaning
When her and me are walking
Darling, I’m the one to blame
I love you still
And timeless now forever
Together by the river
Slow Black River
By: Iron & Wine