You’re Not Broken

There was an ephemeral glow on the screen, each time the character had a nostalgic memory, triggered by smells and sights of his childhood.

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I woke up feeling heavy hearted

I’m going back to where I started

The morning rain

The morning rain

And although I wish that you were near

That same old road that brought me here

Is calling me home

Is calling me home

What is this road on which I travel and why is it so vastly overshadowed by thorns and brambles?  Here I am, I thought I was on the right path, the divine path, yet I’m scraped bare.  My feet are firmly planted, I am resisting movement of any kind.  I desire nothing more than to be airlifted from these wounds and this unseen future.  I desire nothing more than for the Universe to tell me this was all a big joke and that now I can go back to being playful and free, with little more to do than to learn and garden.  Instead, I’m reminded that that is a myth.

My Myths:

The story I’m telling myself is that I can’t move forward and I can’t move back.  The story I’m telling myself is that I can’t even move my own feet from this spot, that I don’t have the strength, wisdom, or determination required.  The story I’m telling myself is that I am alone, with no one to shield me from the dangers on every side, with no one to support me as I limp toward my goal, with no one to slip water through my lips when I’ve fainted from this run.

I’m broken down, not good enough

The broken promises add up

To twice their weight in tears which I have caused.

I’m afraid to sink, I’m afraid to swim.

Who’s gonna break my fall

When the spinning starts

The colors bleed together and fade

Was it ever there at all

Or have I lost my way

The path of least resistance

Is catching up with me again

In the ephemeral glow, I see myself wandering through the tall pines of Hartley.  There I was, looking at the peaks of the impossibly tall conifers, understanding so fully, the softness of the ground beneath us.  Knowing that this, THIS place, was my ‘soft place to land.’  It always has been.image

They say I used to go ‘missing’ from the Honor Academy.  I would just disappear for hours with no word, no warning.  My feet were drawn to the pine grove.  To my bridge.  To the Izaak Walton.  To tread lightly.  To leave no trace.  To keep the land as soft as I had found it.  And perhaps to leave it softer with tears and prayers and hopes.

I don’t know why I leave that place and hope to find myself in the midst of windows, concrete, and tires.  I don’t know exactly where this road will take me, and I’m petrified to find out that it may not lead me back to the wilderness.  To my soft places.  To my high places.

This fear has my feet tethered to this grey-soil path.  It’s only brambles and thorns around me, but as I stand here, I am beginning to see some berries beneath the brush.  I am witnessing the light break through the vines, casting glorious shadows on my body.  Dancing shadows.  Dancing light.  Perhaps if I look up, I could see the blue of the sky.  Perhaps if I wait here, my heart will latch onto the rhythm of the waves over the bluff.  Perhaps if I wait here, I will find that I am on sacred ground–my high place–my soft place.  Perhaps if I wait here, I will find that it is not running that gets me where I need to be…it is the gentleness of the tread of my feet that brings life to the land around me and to the joints within me.  Perhaps it is gentleness in my heart that propels me forth.  Perhaps if I wait here, perhaps if I stand here, I will find a new truth, one of courage, compassion, and change.  Perhaps, this blood stained skin will be renewed by the touch of angels and this soul will be filled with the water of the Word and Spirit.  Perhaps this is not the end.

Maybe this is the return.image

And if by some chance you break from the pack

You know I’ll be waiting to welcome you back

In the arms of this low

Into the arms of this low

Thread the Light

Shine the Light

Don’t hide the light

Live the Light

And Give the Light

Seek the Light

And Speak the Light

Crave the Light

And Brave the Light

Stare the Light

And Share the Light

Show the Light

And Know the Light

Raise the Light

And Praise the Light

Thread the Light

And Spread the Light

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