One of the changes in my heart over the last 3 years, was the anxiety of a ‘forever’ mate. I enjoy my space and my independence. I love choosing where to go and when to go and how to get there. Sure, I would love to have somebody to pick up the slack. But let’s face it, marriage produces its own challenges and hardships. And even in marriage, a person, or the couple may begin to hope and pray for someone to pick up their slack! In as much, marriage is by no means the answer to singleness. And singleness is by no means the answer to the fear of marriage.
I fear that in a forever relationship, that my desire for space–wide, open space, would be so strong that I would begin to resent my partner or covenant. I fear that in the stress, it would be too overwhelming to maintain a decent level of happiness–though I promise, that is not my main pursuit in life, it is indeed, still important. I fear that joy would become out of reach. I fear the pain we would inflict on one another when our love is dry and old. When our independence is too frail to pick up each other’s slack. When the shaking of the Lord begins to feel too strong to bear.
I fear those times when I must surrender my ambitions and dreams to pursue a common goal. I would love to say that it will be ‘my joy’ to lay down my life for my lover-man, but let’s face it, that is a long-hard road of self-sacrifice and love. Will I lose myself? Are these worries and fears the result of selfishness? Is this what they mean when they say that love and marriage purifies the heart?
And weddings? They freak me out more than most things. I hate the idea of making a genuine commitment in front of people. I have been in 4 graduation ceremonies and I hated each one. I hated going to prom. I hate the ceremonials. The seriousness. I hate having all those eyes looking at the real me. I prefer to stand on stage with a mask and a script. Yes. Like Runaway Bride, I would like to stand on a hill, far away from the crowd–with just me and him and the necessary witnesses. That. That, is the way to make a commitment, a promise. A love connection which will not easily fade.
Mmhmm. Of the many things I have learned and accomplished in my Northern Season of Life, it was this adventure of the heart, of realizing how real my anxieties of marriage and weddings happen to be. And, as in the Secret Life of Walter Mitty, it is the inside world which has crafted a unique way of monitoring where my heart truly lies in this regard. Yes. I think singleness looks good on me these days. Perhaps in due time, a partnership will evolve and grow. Perhaps in due time, I will have the wisdom and resolve to nurture a relationship with another.