Bound to a lifelong battle with despair, I have quickly learned that even the grandest of accomplishments hold little, lasting satisfaction. What makes the world of difference are the tiny victories and the smallest enjoyments. There is the smell of a cedar wood building. A little jog across the rough terrain of Hartley mountain-bike trails. Movies like Pride & Prejudice or Finding Neverland. And of course, the sight of the expansive waters of Lake Superior.
These things give me inspiration and sometimes help to calm my nerves. Of course, when it comes down to it, all that’s left is me and Jesus. Wood burns, legs fail, movies get old, and water becomes polluted. However, the arms of my Savior never cease to enfold me. He arrives on the scene when I’ve caused all the damage which could be done. And bless his heart, he still draws my wandering self to him.
In case there is any doubt, my primary goal is not to attain elevated social status by accomplishing scholastic or occupational plans. My plan A was to marry and have children. Not because I’m old fashioned or because I’m not willing to work for these other awards…well, maybe for those things. But mostly, my plan A swells my heart because it is the plan which to me, makes the most sense. Add in the concept of the combination of homeschooling and unschooling, and you’ve got yo’self a life. A pretty one at that.
So, in case there is any lasting illusion that the reason I pursue school is because I have some sort of heroic drive to read textbooks and write papers of them, please know that you are mistaken.
In an attempt to Live
There is much to be accomplished in the time I have on earth. I have no clue when plan A will come to pass or if it ever shall, and trust me, tears have been my food over the latter prospect. But I can say that the Lord has given me grace to focus, to study, to excel in the scholastic arena. I hope to serve him well, there. And should I live my short life to its fullness, I may find myself a single lady doctor traveling the many lands of earth. I have little clue as to what shall commence post-grad.
I’ll enjoy the simplicities of life, for without this skill of enjoyment, my hopelessness will easily blur my vision. And I’ll keep on as best I can, remembering success lies not in a straight, lighted path. As for plan A, well…it may be all the richer without the lust of school tucked in my pocket.